Confession from the deep

24 october 2016

My teacher says, don’t be convinced of anything. Keep your mind and heart open. What resonates with you now will stick, what doesn’t will peal off quickly, study this happening. Just allow yourself to be in question, allow yourself to be surprised. This is a difficult spot to be in, it means wide open attention. And so I sit, I do my daily practice, I meditate, I do my dishes in mindful awareness and to the best of my ability I trust that I am on the Path. I teach what I need to learn. And sometimes I meet with the dirty and nasty, in my own self.

Sometimes, the quest is just overwhelming and a branch to hold on to would be nice. But if this branch is made out of fear, then better to let it go and keep falling down the rabbit hole, because sooner or later it’ll brake anyway, and the fall will be a struggling hard one.

My branches are my beliefs. Some of them are more fluid then others, passing and unreliable. Some beliefs are strong and caring, some almost rigid, others still in practice and workings.

Being a teacher myself I need to dive deep inside in order to return to the surface with new questions and understandings.

All they are, these insights, are opportunities for contemplation, breathing space, an open invitation for further investigation. But my insecurities play games. I get carried away. My quest becomes my obsession. Truth, becomes inverted into fear of loosing what I have built up ’til now.

So many of us there are, teachers preachers spiritually endowed knowers… some tricksters, some very Real and others still, don’t have a clue of what’s going on. All reaching out for our chunk, if not the whole cake. I fear of not getting through. I don’t want the cake, I want to bake it. My God save my Self from my self! This need to be authentic has become consuming. Am I even close?

She can’t be bought, Yoga can’t be bought. Truth cannot be bought. Transformation cannot be bought. In my heart I believe I am sharing a practice towards an awakening. I share my ideas of truth, and therefor, it is not the Truth, but a finger pointing towards some ideas. Might transformation be as simple as standing on your head? Maybe it is I who is blinded? My unwillingness to let go of being right overtakes my humility and my ability to be of use for the divine. As if sharing my joy and love for the spiritual journey, to speak of the indescribable and hold space for exploration should come with a payback from higher levels. Of course She owes me nothing. I judge, the fancy ones, the beautiful. Those caught on the surfaces of Grace – a judgement right there. My childhood rebel roars. As if bleeding, moving into this other skin I reach for witnesses to my journey, our journey, begging for their hands, to come follow, but the ears are closed the eyes seek a sweet performance to be part of. What do I offer but a front seat in the Self. A word on dharma and an invitation to explore the sweet and the bitter, the lovely and oftentimes the ugly as well.

I feel ashamed, to Ego’s pleasure and joy. This is how it goes, when the shadow takes over. She speaks to you in the language of doubt.

I suddenly became acutely aware that I was harming my integrity and shrinking the space of growth for others. How am I opening the door to inner learning and awareness by judging and pointing towards that which I assume to be correct, and how about that? How do I know?

I deeply believe it is an honor to practice our yoga, and that our Yoga will offer transformation if we are willing to acknowledge that which is Real. Don’t we practice to see more clearly? Is it possible to practice in oblivion of Presence, Yoga devoid of spirituality? Why would we even spend the time?

And this is where the struggle becomes an Ego truth to defend on a war path.

I caught myself to late. So I know I must go back, right into the hot spot, right into the flames, and hear myself speak, and allow for something different.

Whatever brings us to practice is good. No. Divine. Wherever that might be. Yoga might bring about clear sight when we least expect it. She won’t wait for me to teach. She couldn’t care less of all the things I know or don’t know. Dharma leads. I am her student. If this is how the Divine wants to make use of me, teaching yoga, creating space for others as well as for myself to grow and allow them to be vulnerable, then I myself must open to vulnerability.

I wish to wake up, just a little bit. I wish to catch my smallness, contain myself with integrity, be in my CENTER. I hope to be forgiven by them, student of yoga who arrive again and again, and forgive the small self in me. I wish to honor them and myself for being the vessel, through which the divine may work through. I wish to let go of my fears, and to do my best. I wish my practice and humility stay with me, as well as my strength to endure the setbacks and permission to fail which I will do many times. I wish to be more open and attentive, more humble and grounded. Present.

I intend to do better. And I hope they come meet me again, as to say, it’s OK, we got you, too.

I got you.